A Catalyst For Change - Part 1

I have had many catalysts for change and some I acknowledged sooner rather than later.

The first came with a diagnosis of breast cancer when I was 32, just six months after I married my amazing husband. We had the most magical wedding and honeymoon, and had barely settled back into life when I found a lump. Of course, I thought it was nothing yet I did monitor it. It grew! So I went to get it checked out.

Three weeks later, I received the diagnosis and it changed the course of my life. I had only ever associated death with cancer. Not this time! It was not meant for me. I was determined that this wasn't going to be the end of my journey. As it turned out, the universe was on my side. It was a major wake-up call; it was sending me a message. A message that I needed to receive, uncover and accept.

This journey brought present-day worries and pain. I had to face the fear that had grown within, fuelled by everything I had previously associated with cancer. I had to deal with the physical consequences of the diagnosis and treatment; a lumpectomy, radiotherapy and hormone suppressant treatment, which gave way to a new fear of not being able to have children as a result.

On top of everything, I had to process it all on an emotional level, which looking back I half did but mostly I just kept it within so that I wouldn't upset anyone else. I thought that was being brave. I thought that I was coping with it. Yet during that time, when I was shielding everyone else from the pain and the worry, I felt so lonely and I cried most days. Unless I was around others, then I would put on a brave face. I would hold in panic and anxiety attacks as I anticipated how people would react around me and what they would say to me. The odd one bubbled over and I would freak out over things that were insignificant in reality. I'd feel ashamed of myself for getting angry over such little things.

Through my recovery, I made sure that I did everything I could to regain my physical health. Putting myself first for a while was hard to do but I am so glad that I did. Now I am the one who talks openly about taking time to heal. As it is not only healing physically, it is emotional and spiritual healing as well.

Jumping forward a couple of years in my healing journey, I used a range of therapy from conventional to more spiritual and holistic medicine, all of which helped me to process the emotional and spiritual healing that I had forgotten about. I was thankful as I got to process all of my feelings and emotions regarding my cancer journey and I was able to discover the root of my cancer. Who knew it would be anger! I was holding so much inside that I didn't even know I was carrying, having buried it so deep within my body that it had manifested and grown. I had to face this anger several times, grieve for the person I had lost, myself, and the power that I had given away and that had been taken from me.

Stepping back to when I felt my physical body had healed and I had gained back my strength, I decided I was ready to return to work on my terms. I stepped back into my career raring to go, having missed it so much while I was recovering. To be clear, this was a passion. I loved teaching wholeheartedly. The feeling of supporting children to learn not only educational skills and knowledge but also supporting them with their emotional and social skills was extremely rewarding, fun, joyful and uplifting. Watching all the children I taught grow and blossom in less than a year was a privilege.

I dedicated a lot of time and energy to my job. Constantly striving to be better, give the best and provide the best because that was expected. Of course, when I returned to work, I threw myself straight back in so as not to disappoint anyone or give anyone cause to question my efforts. What I didn't realise at the time was that I wasn't changing my ways; in fact I was still pandering to the system. I didn't take the phased return. Who needed that?! Not me! I was more than capable. My stubbornness and people-pleasing tendencies arose immediately! What did I do? Ignore it obviously. I had something to prove or so I thought. I thought I could go back to doing everything the same way and really I was fooling myself. But reflecting is powerful and at the time I was blissfully unaware. And I guess that didn't matter as I was getting the validation I needed.

A couple of years passed and I was putting more energy into the job than myself and my husband. I justified the hours of effort I put in and believed that it was making a difference to the children I taught and the colleagues I worked with. What was I doing it all for? I was constantly tired, living for the school holidays, during which I was either ill, alone and more often than not catching up on marking, paperwork, creating resources and planning for the next term. All of which I chose to do and gave myself a convincing story as to why I was doing it.

The truth was I was just people-pleasing and falling back into old patterns of being the good girl, making everyone else proud through my achievements and giving people something to talk about. I was comparing myself to others. I was beating myself up for not doing as much as others; as if doing any less was simply not acceptable. I couldn't let anyone down. I was searching for validation. A job well done. I was allowing others and my work to validate my self-worth.

I was losing sight of what actually mattered to me: me, my husband and our life and purpose.

Until that second awakening came. And this time I hit rock bottom.

With love and gratitude,

Emma x