A Catalyst for Change - Part 2

Before you read on, please know that this piece touches on grief, loss and suicide. If you are finding things difficult right now, please be kind to yourself and come back to this when you feel ready. You are not alone.

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Four years down the line and I was still cancer free. The world had shifted beyond recognition and the pandemic had changed everything.

I was still unaware of how much energy I was putting into my job. Teaching in the pandemic was a whole new experience and yet I was still going above and beyond for the children I taught. Teaching isn't just teaching. It is so much more.

I guess I put that energy in because I knew that when I had children, I would like to think someone would be just as kind, considerate, understanding, patient and caring towards them. Perhaps in reality, that was simply my caring nature showing up as it always had.

I was still oblivious to what was coming.

I thought I was happy and living well. I didn't know it at the time but I was grieving for myself and the parts that had been lost and given away, not just through the cancer diagnosis but throughout my whole life.

Then the day came that brought my deepest fears to life. 21st July 2021.

It was a busy day, you know the one where you don't stop, you are trying to meet the needs of a class full of four and five year olds, you barely find time for the toilet and you eat your lunch whilst doing twenty different jobs and before you know it the school day is over.

Well, it was so busy that I had missed several phone calls, granted I was working, but these calls would also change the course of my life drastically. When your husband turns up to work with something to tell you, you know it's serious.

My dad had gone, he had taken his own life. What ensued can only be described as some of the most horrific, gut-wrenching, inconsolable hours of sadness I had ever experienced, and would continue for another three to four years. What unfolded was unthinkable, yet so very real.

The pain I felt was enormous. I struggled with the fact I had seen my dad only once since the pandemic as he lived in Ireland. I had texted him the night before rather than calling him. In hindsight that was how it was supposed to be. I had also missed the clear signs from the universe. A big black crow on my fence days before, and then the evening before I was at a school quiz (again lots of blame on myself for that) and one of the questions had an image of a calendar with one date highlighted. The 21st.

I got through the summer and it was so surreal. I kept going like nothing was wrong at all. Yet inside I was hurting, my mind never stopped; the guilt, the shame and the what ifs, the anger, the sadness, it all came in continuous waves.

I didn't want to see anyone. I was afraid of what would come out of their mouths.

I didn't want the pity looks and head tilts. I just wanted to be alone. For a while that worked but then I got 'tough-loved' into going to events. Sometimes this was necessary and other times not so much. Again, the inner turmoil and anxiety rose up and yet I stayed at these events. I abandoned myself to make sure others were happy and not let them down.

Then it was time to go back to school and guess what? I did the same as I had always done. I didn't listen to my intuition. I carried on prioritising everything but myself and my husband.

Until the day came when I surrendered and sought help from a counsellor.

She was a gift from the universe, an earth angel, and very spiritual as it turned out, who had been sent my way to guide me. Our paths were definitely meant to cross. It was one of the best decisions I ever made as I was able to delve deep and begin the healing process.

I chose to speak to a counsellor as it was much easier than talking to all the supportive family and friends I have. In my mind, I was protecting them and not burdening them with my problems. In reality, this was a coping mechanism I had developed from an early age, one I had carried for so long I had mistaken it for strength.

In addition to this, I had been connecting with crystals on a deeper level, as well as working with essential oils and keeping a daily gratitude journal. I had embarked on my spiritual path and was keen to learn more and remember my roots. Life felt like it was moving forward again and I felt like I was healing.

In the midst of this healing journey, I found myself at a crossroads in my teaching career. I had a challenging year at school and I got to the point where it was all too much. I pushed on, unwilling to surrender. I didn't speak out. I got on with it and battled through. My face was all smiles but my eyes told a different story. I was exhausted every day. I was becoming ill. I was stressed, anxious and unwilling to let it beat me. I developed a rash over my face and body. I cried every evening. I let out my rage on occasions that brought around the shame again. I felt like I was drowning. I don't know how I functioned.

My lifelines were my wonderful husband, my unwavering rock and lighthouse in the storms, and my counsellor. I chose not to 'burden' anyone else.

I really didn't know what to do. I was looking for answers and validation in all the wrong places. My husband told me that he supported me and would support whatever decision I made, but I had to be the one to make it. No one else could do that for me.

He was right. I had spent my whole life letting others lead, doing what was best to fit in because I never felt confident enough, worthy enough or good enough. This had to change. But how?

A dear friend and I were talking and we ended up discussing a crystal energy healer and I took a look.

With love and gratitude,

Emma x